33 ways to jumpstart your sex life
Repetition is great – if you’re learning Spanish, grooving your backhand or teaching Fido how to fetch. But it’s death for your sex life, turning the pursuit of happiness into a Groundhog Day experience.
Well, enough of that stuff. It’s time to pump up your pulse with some good, clean, original sex. It doesn’t mean risking arrest in a public garden – although it could – but it does mean injecting surprise into the proceedings. Yes, surprise – even if you think you know her body better than the quickest route to your local pub.
We have 33 ideas to launch a voyage of sexual discovery unlike anything you’ve seen . . . at least since Monique Priesley let down her guard in high school. The difference now: you know what you’re doing and you have a partner who deserves your respect, attention and devotion. So make the most of it. Now, repeat after us, “I will . . .”
Start the action anywhere except the bedroom. The same old place is too conducive to the same old patterns, says Dr Stella Resnick, a psychologist and author of The Pleasure Zone. Explore some new erogenous areas: the kitchen. The bathroom. Alice Springs. Your bodies will be in new places, making it unlikely that you’ll follow old routines.
Compliment her. And keep doing it . . . at least five times a day. It’ll make her feel noticed, special and appreciated and she’ll feel closer to you. “The more connected she feels, the more sexually inspired she’ll feel,” reveals Dr Laura Berman, Director of the Berman Centre in the US, a women’s sexual-health facility. Compliment what she feels good about and cares about – her hair, shoes, singing voice, work triumphs, advises Dr Gloria Brame, a sex therapist and the author of Come Hither: A Commonsense Guide to Kinky Sex.
Remember: a confident sex partner is an adventurous sex partner.
Go canoeing or hiking. Add a distinct, but manageable touch of danger to the day. It will stimulate dopamine in her brain, which may trigger her sex drive, reveals Dr Helen Fisher, an anthropologist at Rutgers University in the US and the author of Why We Love. Pick the right trip – a guided white-water excursion, for instance – and learn all about both the risks and the precautions you’ll take. She’ll see you as the cause of the excitement, as well as the source of security. Then book the right B&B for the afternoon dry-off and you’re set.
Watch porn with the sound off . . . Sure, you’ll miss the snappy plumber-housewife banter, but now you two can provide the dialogue. You’ll learn how to talk erotically, so it’s educational. But it’s also fun, you’re both invested in it and it can help reveal fantasies, advises Dr Ava Cadell, a sex therapist and the author of Love Around the House. And you’ll probably find some way to kill time during the sex scenes.
. . . or see a chick flick. Maybe porn isn’t her thing. But Pitt, Clooney or McConaughey might be and for her, these guys are porn, Brame says. She’ll be fantasising about a man who’s sweet and will treat her well. And when he kisses the flirty female lead, you kiss your lady at the same time. Show her that reality – her life – can be better than that.
Feed her black licorice. Bring it along when you’re watching the Clooney flick. Black licorice has been shown to speed up her genital blood flow by 40 per cent, Cadell reveals.
Craft fantasies. Some Saturday afternoon when you’re feeling frisky, pour some wine and divide 10 blank cards between you both. Each of you jots down five sexual fantasies as the wine loosens your inhibitions. Then head out to a restaurant, where you can get a booth and some privacy in a public setting. Over dinner and more wine, pull out the cards and discuss your fantasies.
You’ll feel filthy discussing this stuff in hushed voices in a public place, which is exactly the point. Your goal: make three piles – “yes”, “maybe some day” and “not on your life!”. Put the possibles in a shoe box and once a month (she feels sexiest before she ovulates), pick a winner. Any necessary planning – you can’t go with just any football player/cheerleader outfits – heightens the anticipation, Cadell says.
Explore new regions. You’ve heard about her nipples and vagina? Good. Now spend some time on the back of her neck. It’s a brave new world of nerve endings, so gentle caressing and kissing are all that’s needed. The base of her spine is sensation central as well. Or gently stroke and kiss her belly just above the pubic hairline.
Sex becomes about discovery, not seeking some destination. “Goal-oriented sex is not that sexy,” Brame observes.
Take an overnight train. There are stimulators all around, from the dining car to the passing landscape, to trying to walk and balance a gin-and-tonic in the aisle. And there’s also your sleeping compartment, your own special sex-womb-with-a-view. It’s a new place and it moves, which adds a new dynamic. And it’s somewhat public, so there’ll be new excitement when you’re in flagrante delicto, the train stops and people are outside your window.
Spend a night in Tibet. Try the Yab-Yum position, which is how they talk dirty in Asia. You both sit up and she faces you, sitting on your lap with a pillow under her bottom, for easier penetration.
You’ll have constant contact with her clitoris, but she’ll control the pressure. Move slowly.
“The emotional connection makes it intense,” according to Lou Paget, a sex educator and the author of The Great Lover Playbook.
Invite her to ditch her underwear during dinner. The naked secret you now share will linger through dessert, says Dr Pepper Schwartz, a sociology professor at the University of Washington and the author of The Great Sex Weekend.
Talk in public. Lie on a blanket in a park, with people all around, and whisper your fantasies to one another, sparing no detail. You’ll create sexual tension, but there’s safety because there’s no possibility of sex then and there.
“It’s just plain sexy to start something that can’t be finished right then,” Fisher states. When you return home later, spread out the blanket on the floor – a different location – and release the tension.
Take her to an ethnic restaurant in a new part of town. Dopamine is an ideal sex lubricant and in any new experience, the jets are on. When walking in unfamiliar territory, put your arm around her. There’s the thrill of the unknown, but you’re guiding her through it – a potent mix.
“It might make her want to have sex with you,” Fisher advises.
Visit the erotica section of the bookstore. That in itself will fuel your imaginations. Make some purchases, then read them to each other. You’ll discover new interests that, amazingly, never came up when you were buying garden supplies or frozen peas. Feel free to enact a scene. Check out Heat Wave: Sizzling Sex Stories by Alison Tyler; Five-Minute Erotica by Carol Queen; and any of the Black Lace series by Kerri Sharp.
Use fragrance for foreplay. Spray a hint of the cologne she loves on the sheets. A study by Indiana University in the US found that women who fantasised while smelling a favourite men’s cologne were more aroused than when smelling women’s perfume or a neutral odour. If you don’t have a scent, shop for one with her. That’s foreplay as well
Leave home. Plan a trip without the kids because Mum and Dad should also be husband and wife (www.lastminute.com and www.romanticgetaways.com.au specialise in packaged getaways.) Take lots of pictures and in a few months go through them slowly with her and recall all the great memories – the sights, the food, the long mornings in bed. The feeling will come hurtling back, Schwartz says – without the airfare this time.
Climb one peak at a time. Some couples feel pressured to reach orgasm at the same moment. But that’s like coordinating Swans and Roosters premierships in the same year: nice if it happens, but improbable. So, on a night when you’re both primed to try something different, resolve to go for one orgasm at a time, without intercourse. As a gentleman, you’ll insist that she go first, naturally.
It will take some practise – and lots of moaned instructions – to get the manual stimulation or oral timing just right. Which can only be good. Focusing on her pleasure will teach you useful lessons to employ the next time you strive for a premiership together.
Toss the TV out of the bedroom. It sucks up time, makes you zone out and deflects
focus from what the room is for, Wiley advises.
Experience the Cuban Plunge. “¿Qué es eso?” you ask, in basic high-school Spanish. It’s sex with a three-chilli rating. Here’s how you do it: as you assume the man-on-top position, ask her to bring her knees to her chest and drape her legs over your shoulders. Her vagina will be elongated and extended and your penetration will be deeper and more pleasurable for her, which qualifies as a win-win situation.
“You can feel intense friction against her genital area with each thrust,” according to Dr Diana Wiley, a therapist at the Female Sexual Medical Centre at the University of California in the US.
Kiss for 12 seconds. As a relationship ages, pecks on the cheek become the default and they’re about as erotic as a pair of baggy trackies. A long, lingering smooch reintroduces you to each other.
Give her two a day: one in the morning before one of you leaves and one as soon as you’re both home. Mouths open. Arms around each other. “If you kiss like that for the rest of your lives, passion will never fade,” Cadell says.
Add a side of Polynesia. During oral sex, don’t head straight for her clitoris. Try the Tahitian Method instead. Lie perpendicular to her and move your tongue back and forth over the hood of her clitoris. You’ll be able to work both sides, says Paget. (Yes, there are two sides to the clitoris. More on that soon.)
To receive immediate feedback, place your middle finger on her perineum, the 20-cent-sized spot just below her vagina. When you’re working the right place, the perineum will involuntarily contract. Isn’t that helpful?
Ask for directions. As you now know, the clitoris has two sides, so ask: “Do you like it on the left or the right?” suggests Violet Blue, a sex educator and the author of The Ultimate Guide to Sexual Fantasy.
Either she knows and will appreciate your sensitivity or she doesn’t and you’ve given her a new path to happiness. Plus, the question makes her feel more comfortable with giving you feedback.
Clean out the closet. She keeps saying it needs to be done, so start doing it together and then tackle her in there, on top of the out-of-season clothes you’re going to wash anyway.
The room is stocked with ties, blindfolds, costumes and a healthy air of 4.16-androstadien-3-one – a chemical in your sweat, hair and skin. It’s a potent arousal mechanism, according to a study at the University of California at Berkeley in the US and your clothes are saturated with it.
When she reaches the peak of her androstadien madness, have her put on that blouse she hasn’t worn in five years and finally give it some purpose by ripping it off.
“Most women want to be ravaged by the men they love,” Cadell reveals.
Buy a two-centimetre, camel-hair paintbrush at the art-supply store, dip it in chocolate sauce and use it to decorate her stomach or thighs – or paint a long line down her back and buttocks. If she’d prefer to be her own Frieda, have her paint sequential numbers on her body where she wants to be touched.
Find your way in order by using your fingertips and mouth. Book-keeping was never this much fun.
Buy her something. It doesn’t have to be big. Just take her out, discover her wishes, indulge her and pay. It’s the Pretty Woman fantasy, but this time, you’re Richard Gere.
“Women turn on to togetherness and being taken care of,” Schwartz reveals. Achieve a double jump-start by funding an erotic shopping spree. Write out a gift certificate with an expiry date that coincides with your evening at a hotel.
If she prefers to shop alone, let her – either way, you’ll find out what interests her, says Blue.
Use a chin rest. Nothing gets her going like oral sex, so we’ll venture some more advice: put one pillow under her hips and another under your chest. Her lower back will be more relaxed and it’ll be easier for her to adjust her knees and legs, allowing for more sensation. Rest your chin on your fist (with your pinkie down) and use a finger to put pressure on the bottom of the opening of her vagina to heighten the sensation, Paget advises.
Write her a letter. One that does not involve a laser printer or an e-mail address. You want this to come straight from the heart. Write what you feel, but the ruling sentiment should be one of gratitude and confidence in your future together, then mail it to her.
She’ll feel valued and special and not just because you’re supporting the postal service, which keeps the country working.
“When a woman feels desired, she’ll feel desirous,” Wiley says.
Try something new during penetration. Rather than the old in-and-out routine, try rotation: it’ll make for a different kind of clitoral stimulation, according to Paget. And the absence of friction that you get with thrusting will help you last longer.
Swim. Bodies feel good in the water. You’re semi¬-clothed and in public, so it only goes so far, but you can play under the surface, which adds tension, Brame says. A late-night skinny dip in the ocean means fewer clothes and a little more danger, pumping up the dopamine levels. Throw a blanket down when you crawl ashore because sand hurts.
Talk big about the future. You know her dreams – kids, a beach house, season tickets to the wrestling – so tell her your plans to give her that and more. You’re touching a primal desire and emphasising your long-term commitment.
“Women like to be provided for,” according to Fisher.
Experiment with better grooming. That is, trim each other’s pubic hair until it’s just right and let her shave your face. You’re making some smooth skin, which is much more pleasing for the 12-second kisses. But it also makes for fun in the shower. It’s slow and methodical, but it also allows for some power-playing. She has the razor; she has control. And you determine, with her help, just how bare she’s willing to go.
Go ahead and stare. Lavish praise on the lilies and you’ll be invited back to the garden. So concentrate on a favourite body part and talk about how beautiful she is. “Make her feel sexy by thinking and saying she’s sexy,” Fisher advises.
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